I Am Growing Smarter Every Day and Making Better Choices For Myself

These past few days have been interesting. I have added exercise to my routine, and am just about ready to make it a daily thing, starting tomorrow! Haha. No, seriously, I’m gonna do it. Mañana. 🙂 The first few workouts left me feeling really stiff the next day, of course, so I was doing 25-30 mins of cardio and some other exercises 3x or 4x/week, but as of today I want to start doing it every day. It will most likely have a positive effect on my brain. Increased blood flow, better vascularity and what not. I don’t need to do into the positive effects of exercise because they’re pretty much self-evident.

Someone in a popular nootropics bulletin board made a comment about glutamine, and how it made them sleepy. I didn’t feel that the first week, but today I took it in the morning with my fruit smoothie and after, I could hardly stay awake. Had to take a nap. It felt like a really nice kind of sleepiness, though. I might take it in the evening from now on, along with my melatonin.

I’ve been noticing recently that I am slightly more able to conceal my emotions. I’ve never been able to do that hardly at all, and I usually show whatever I’m feeling without realizing the consequences or reactions of the people around me. But I can slightly manipulate what I’m feeling. I can make myself cry at the drop of a hat on command, for example. I just think about something that makes me cry. Stopping is just as easy. Sometimes.

I noticed that lately, I’ve been able to face people I don’t like and pretend to smile and act nicely to them even if I think they’re a dirtbag. I never could do that before. If I didn’t like someone, you can bet that they’d know it pretty quickly. But I am getting better at not wearing my heart on my sleeve to such an extent. I’m learning to hide my emotions, like most people. And not just in a poker game or in a situation where it’s considered a game. I’ve always been able to fool people when I play games. Weird. I just noticed that.

Also, I’m starting to notice what surface-oriented beings most people are. I’m glad that I have a few friends who aren’t, and who are not serious or boring — just deep. But most people don’t have the continuous stream of thoughts in their heads like I do, or they can’t analyse or see so many implications as quickly. That doesn’t make them bad people, though. It’s just them, their lives and their experiences — that’s all they know. They are limited in ways that I’m not, and vice versa.

I’ve always known this, and I’ve always tried to be nice to people (unless of course they crossed me). But it’s so hard not to feel revulsion towards some people who I perceive as doing evil things or leading selfish lifestyles. I’m learning just to be neutral about those people. It’s not easy, but I’m trying. And I think I’m succeeding.

Another thing I’ve noticed is just how motivated by their sexual instincts most people are. Quite a lot! I’ve always known that “sex sells” and that men think about sex all the time, but I had never internalized it or been able to see the effects on direct human interaction. Fascinating.

I’m slightly asexual, and the human world of sex has always confused and mystified me somewhat. I was raised in a very sexually constrictive environment, and I was sexually abused as a child. (So many of us are. I’ve come to terms with it and accepted.) I couldn’t even say the word sex out loud until I was in my early 20s. I just don’t have the feelings that most people do as frequently as they do. I’m just now realizing to what extent they are driven by their sexual and procreative motives. I’m REALLY glad I’m out of that race!

Since I found out that I have Asperger’s and what all that entails, I have very little desire to procreate. My genes begin and end with me. Humanity is too messed up already without me adding my ridiculously outlandish DNA into the mix. Generally, the world is still an awful place full of confusion, competition, control, and unnecessary pain. Everyone seems to want to control everyone else. So strange to me. But I’m seeing this world a LOT more clearly now, and that can only be good. And I’ve had the strength to see so much beauty in it as well, and that has saved my life on many occasion.

I’m so glad I’m still here!!!! Happy New Year!!!!

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